


Fear the Fall

by apropensityforcharm



Series: Season 6 Reaction Fics [13]
Category: Glee
Genre: 6x13 reaction, Canon Compliant, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-02
Updated: 2015-04-02
Packaged: 2018-03-20 21:51:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3666558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apropensityforcharm/pseuds/apropensityforcharm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“He always knew Blaine would be the best father in the world. He just didn’t know it was going to be so hard for him.”<br/>6x13 reaction. In which Kurt finds fatherhood surprisingly difficult, but he’ll be just fine. Canon compliant; Klaine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fear the Fall

Kurt loves Alfie.

He _loves_ her. She is the single most precious thing in his life. When he and Blaine had brought her home from the hospital the day after she was born, still a little wrinkled and barely able to open her eyes, he was so emotional that he cried three times before they even made it home. He and Blaine had already baby-proofed the entire apartment and spent _weeks_ picking out the perfect colour scheme for her nursery (mint green with warmer brown undertones was the final choice), and when they lay her down in her crib for the first time, they spend hours watching her sleep without saying a word.

Rachel wants to see Alfie first (and compliments them on the homage to their Broadway roots – they don’t correct her on her assumption, and figure since it’s not the name on the birth certificate then it doesn’t matter anyway), and their other friends are a steady stream after that. Kurt buzzes through the high the entire time. Alfie mostly just wants to sleep while their friends coo and sigh, and Kurt is so proud that he thinks his chest might burst.

But after maybe a month of ecstasy _,_ things start to... change. Blaine goes back to work because an opportunity comes up for him that neither of them want him to miss, and Kurt takes over most of the primary caretaker roles. And he does fine; he feeds Alfie on time and changes her nappy without squirming and he makes sure she’s clean even though she took an early hatred to bath time. He does just fine, but when one month stretches into two, three, something underneath the skin begins to slip.

His spine tightens whenever Alfie starts crying; he no longer finds it endearing when she doesn’t want to eat her food, and it just makes him want to scream; he knows that Blaine is around literally every moment he can be, but it’s starting to feel like he’s never there anyway. He feels like he doesn’t have the time to do _anything_ that he used to do, that every single moment of his existence is centred around Alfie, and he’s not quite sure how much longer he can handle it before he becomes overwhelmed. It’s a building pressure in the back of his brain, an ache that never lets up. And he knows that all new parents have their frustrations, but this feels deeper, more insidious. It feels like he’s grasping for control anywhere he can, only to find that the control is already shattered into shards on the floor, and he can’t mend it.

Raising a baby shouldn’t feel like this. Raising a baby should be – _exhausting,_ yes, everyone knows that, and it should be messy and sometimes frustrating and scary and it should make their friends hate them because they’ve become so domesticated and didn’t they used to be _fun?_ But it should also be exciting and _joyful_ and turn him and Blaine into an unstoppable force, never to be separated. It should be the best experience of their _life._ That’s what everyone says, right?

Raising a baby shouldn’t feel like _this._

It shouldn’t be – stress and anxiety and unhappiness. Like iron bars crushing tighter and tighter around his ribs, and no chance to get away.

Alone in the apartment one afternoon, Kurt jigs Alfie in his arms and murmurs a lullaby into her skin; she’s not a huge crier but she seems to actively reject sleep, and lately she’s become more and more stubborn about nap time. If she’ll sleep, then he can take a nap himself, he thinks to himself wearily.

Last week, the producers of the Next to Normal revival came to him with an offer for Gabe. He couldn’t take it because Blaine rehearsals are just picking up for his show and Kurt’s already agreed to be at home for the next few months, and they _promised_ that Alfie would always be their number one priority, no matter what, and work would always come second. And so he said no, and then locked himself in a bathroom and cried.

Kurt _misses_ working. He misses being around adults, and the freedom to criticise and be criticised, and being given the chance to flex his creativity, to make art and culture. And it’s the most selfish thing in the world, because he and Blaine are building a family and it’s the most wonderful thing, but – months of increasingly desperate lullabies whispered in Alfie’s wispy curls in a futile attempt to get her to go to sleep, and feeding and burping her instead of going on that lone afternoon walk he always enjoyed on weekends, and losing sleep even when the baby monitor is silent, because what if something is wrong and _that’s_ why she’s quiet. There’s never a moment to himself and it feels as though his nerves are made of live wires, sparking electricity all over the place. It’s gotten to the point where every sound Alfie makes feels like a gunshot to the mirror of his mind.

Raising a baby shouldn’t feel like this.

Kurt strokes Alfie’s dark wispy curls back from her face, bounces her a little bit, and she makes a snuffling sound and tucks her face closer to the crook of his neck. His stomach twists, a confusing mix of guilt and love.

Blaine doesn’t feel like this. Blaine thinks that fatherhood is the greatest adventure in the world, delights in every shadowed eye and burp-stained shirt. He keeps telling Kurt that he’s proud of them, that they’re doing so well. Every time he looks at Alfie, his face softens and his smile turns to sunshine, and Kurt watches them together, the way Alfie is smiling more and more whenever Blaine plays piggy with her toes or stands her up to dance (and she _laughed_ for the first time the other day, oh _god_ ) and he thinks, _Why can’t it be that easy for me?_

He always knew Blaine would be the best father in the world. He just didn’t know it was going to be so hard for _him._

Kurt runs a finger down the delicate curve of Alfie’s back, feels the way her sleep-deep breaths have lengthened, and gently sets her down into her cot. Her body is still so tiny, dwarfed by the sheets and the pillow. She’s a beautiful thing, with pouting lips and pink cheeks, her little hands clenching unconsciously by her head, one of her legs kicking once, twice, before she stills once more. Kurt watches her and his throat tightens because he doesn’t know _why_ he feels like this. He has the most gorgeous daughter in the world. He has no _right_ to feel like this.

Alarmingly, he feels the beginnings of tears pricking at the back of his eyes, and he stumbles his way out of the nursery before he bursts into tears and wakes his daughter up. And then he can’t stop the tears, can’t stop himself from crying, because he’s a fucking _mess_ and he doesn’t even know why.

He slumps onto the couch and brings his knees up to his chest, and _god_ it’s been a long time since he’s cried like this – loud, sobbing gulps that tear at the lining of his throat, every bone in his body vibrating, the ache behind his eyes already building. It’s terrible and it _hurts,_ but it’s cathartic, a release of all the toxic tension and fears and melancholy rotting his muscles clean through the past months, and he just can’t stop.

‘Kurt, baby – ‘ And then quick steps on the floorboards and Blaine’s by his side, running a hand down his back and tipping up his chin so that’s Kurt’s looking at him, can see his worried eyes and the crease in his brow. Kurt didn’t even hear him come in.

He hiccups and tries to wrench away, but Blaine pulls him tighter. ‘Sweetheart, what’s wrong?’ Blaine whispers, taking his face in both palms and smoothing his thumb over his temple. ‘Kurt?’

‘I’m sorry,’ Kurt says thickly. ‘I’m – I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’m. Sorry.’

Blaine hugs him close and it’s the most secure feeling, to have Blaine’s warm palms holding his shoulders tight and his heart beating strong against Kurt’s back. The touch is anchoring, keeps him solid. He turns his head so that his nose is pressed to Blaine’s neck. There’s already a wet patch building beneath his cheek, but Blaine doesn’t seem inclined to let him go, holds him tight and whispers, ‘Let it all out, sweetheart,’ into his hair.

It doesn’t take too long after that before the tears slow and his breath becomes manageable, although it still jitters and stop-starts all over the place. Kurt sits up and blinks a couple of times and Blaine sits back and watches him with wary, troubled eyes.

‘Where’s Alfie, Kurt?’ Blaine asks.

Kurt sniffs, and his breath splits and cracks. ‘Asleep in her cot, unless she’s crawled out and cracked her skull on the ground while I haven’t been paying attention – ‘

‘Deep breaths, sweetie,’ Blaine instructs him.

Kurt breathes in. ‘She’s sleeping,’ he says firmer. ‘I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here, but she should be asleep for another couple of hours yet.’

‘Okay,’ Blaine says. ‘Good.’ He bites his lip and then starts, ‘Kurt – ‘

‘I don’t know,’ Kurt sighs. ‘I don’t know, Blaine, I just – I haven’t been feeling well and today wasn’t a good day and it just got a bit – overwhelming, I guess.’

‘’Not feeling well?’’ Blaine repeats. He frowns.

Kurt lowers his eyes. He doesn’t want to be truthful. The truth is shameful and bitter and he doesn’t want Blaine – perfect, loving dad Blaine – to judge him. But.

‘I miss being at work,’ he says, rough and low. ‘And getting to drink alcohol and hang out with our friends. I miss having a neat house. I miss having the time and energy to do my skin at night. And I miss being alone, I – she’s there all the time, and when she’s not there, you are, and I haven’t had a moment to myself in three months, and I feel like I’m going to implode, and it’s making me so sad all the time and Blaine, don’t – don’t judge me, please.’

He’s feeling near tears again when he reaches out to grab at the tips of Blaine’s fingers and Blaine says, ‘ _No –_ Kurt. I wouldn’t. I would never.’

‘I don’t know why I feel like this,’ Kurt whispers. ‘I should be happy, it’s not _fair,_ it’s so stupid – ‘

‘It’s not stupid,’ Blaine interrupts. ‘Your health is important too, Kurt.’ He sits back. ‘Have you – have you been feeling like this for a while now?’

Kurt hesitates, and then nods.

‘Okay,’ Blaine says, and nods decisively. ‘I’ll ask my director if we can bend the rules a little bit so I can take over some duties at home, okay? My understudy will be delighted.’

‘What? No,’ Kurt protests. ‘I can’t ask you to give it up – ‘

‘I want to, actually,’ Blaine says, and he’s actually grinning. ‘I spend all my days wishing I was at home with you guys and I’m pretty sure my cast mates are going to burn my phone the next time I try to show them a picture of Alfie. They’ll be glad to be rid of me. We have plenty of money saved up – we can handle neither of us at work for a while.’

‘Are you sure?’ Kurt asks quietly.

‘Yes,’ Blaine says and leans forward to press a soft, lingering kiss to Kurt’s lips. ‘Family is most important, Kurt. And that means you too.’

Kurt sniffles and scrubs at his eyes, where the tears are just dry enough to start to irritate. ‘Catching up on my shows would be nice,’ he admits and Blaine smiles and rubs at his knee.

‘Consider it done,’ he says.

In the morning, he won’t feel so bad. Already, he feels calmer and safer and more ready to face tomorrow. It never seems so overwhelming when he has Blaine by his side to help keep him steady. And when he has Blaine with him, Alfie has never seemed so beautiful. She’s the most lovely baby girl in the world, and it’s so easy to forget that when he never has time to take care of himself, because he’s too busy taking care of her. But she is gorgeous, and he loves her. But when he has Blaine to help share the load – tomorrow will be brighter. Tomorrow will be good.

And when Alfie starts crying fifteen minutes later, he looks at Blaine and Blaine quirks an eyebrow back, and Kurt can’t help but smile. They’re still new, and stumbling and clumsy, but they can muddle through it by each other’s side. There are still so many things that they have yet to experience – crawling, walking, talking, and when Kurt thinks about doing it with Blaine by his side, it makes him nothing but excited. Their child will grow up to be the most beloved girl in the world if they have anything to do with it.

They’ve got this – together.

**Author's Note:**

> And end series. Thank you for reading and thank you to those of you who have been reading and responding from the beginning - it honestly means a lot.  
> As always, comments and/or kudos are greatly appreciated. <3


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